Clean on the Inside

Take a few minutes and ponder the above image…

Seriously, go ahead. I’ll wait. 

I’ve been reading/studying the Gospel of Matthew a fair bit these past couple of weeks. As someone who has grown up in a Christian church, I have both heard and read this Gospel more times than I can count. A fact which, when compared to the reality that there are still places that have never heard the name of Jesus, astounds me. Why does this astound me? Simply put, every time I actually give my attention to the scriptures, not just read or listen to them passively, but actively engage with and allow the scriptures, through the Holy Spirit, to engage me, God faithfully reveals something new, exposes area’s in my thinking/feeling that need to change, clarifies who Jesus truly is… on and on the list could go. 

This week I was struck by Jesus words of “woes” to the religious leaders of his day. The religious leaders, and much of society, cared very deeply about the appearances of things; often more than they cared about what took place in private or secret. This is, in part, tied to a vast social system of honor and shame, and at a more base level I’d argue simply a part of our fallen human nature. Jesus’ judgements against the religious leaders are preceded by some very hard teachings earlier in the Gospel where Jesus calls out what true discipleship requires: laying down ones own life and fully taking up the cross of Christ. Jesus’ disciples heard some hard words from Jesus, take a quick look at Mt. 10:16-39 if you don’t believe me, and now they are present while He speaks even harder words to the religious leaders. I imagine, hope, that if I were present, I would be paying very close attention to Jesus’ words. Even reading them now, so far removed from the first century, I can feel the judgment and inherent warning deep in my soul. Whereas these words enraged the religious leaders and stirred murder in their hearts, they drive me to knees asking God to deal with the places in me that look more like the religious leaders of Jesus day than a true disciple who has forsaken all for the sake of Christ. 

Jesus rebukes the religious leaders for, metaphorically, only cleaning the outside of the cup while the inside remained filthy. Anyone who has ever washed dishes knows that as you scrub the inside that soapy water is going to pour out over the outside as well. (Yes, I still use the cloth to wipe the outside as well for those who are wondering). 

What pierced my heart as I pondered Jesus rebuke, and the inherent warning to all the others present (including us today), was how often I view my own discipleship as a tightrope walk rather than a journey with my Savior. It is so easy to get caught up in the balancing act, intently focusing on not tipping too far to one side or the other. “Am I doing enough?” “How do others view me?” “Was that good enough?” “Is my heart in the right place?” On and on it goes. Jesus’ description of a true disciple can easily feel like an unattainable ideal. 

On our own we can never meet the “ideal” of true discipleship. The hope of the Gospel, as Oswald Chambers describes it, is that Jesus puts “something into you that will make the ideal and the actual one. Without Jesus Christ there is an unbridgeable gap between the ideal and actual; the only way out is a personal relationship to Him. The salvation of God not only saves us from hell, but alters out actual lives.” (pg. 83 Studies in the Sermon on the Mount)

If like me, you have at times felt like you are walking a tightrope rather than walking hand in hand with your savior, take a moment to first ask God to forgive you for trying to do things on your own. Then ask God to give you a new picture of what it looks like to walk as a disciple of Christ, with Christ, and through Christ. For that is only way for the “cup” to truly become clean; inside and out. 

'd'

I work with kids. Partly because its my job and partly because I really enjoy it. Every Sunday morning I get to spend time with a group of 60+ kids and play games, talk about life and engage in some creative ways of learning more about God and experiencing Him as well. We have a very eclectic group of kids that attend; some are from the stereotypical christian middle class type of family, some are from families that look stereotypical but have a completely different reality behind closed doors, some are foster kids, some come every other week depending on if there at their Dad's or Mom's house and some come because we pick them up. One of these kids had particularly touched my heart and tried my patience every time she graces me with her presence.

Today was no different! My little friend [I won't use her name so we'll call her 'd'] often ends up sitting on my lap or trying to sneak out of the room or throw a fit... what ever can draw attention and a hug from the person of her choice. While this can be very trying, especially when you have 60 other kids to think about, I have to come to realize I learn a lot from my encounters 'd'. Today after going and getting her out of a game room and bringing her to re-join the group (which meant that she was sitting on my lap begging for a back scratch) I had to get up quickly to handle a minor computer issue. She, of course, followed my to the computer. Just then another little girl came up to me and asked "why does 'she' get to be special and sit with you all the time and come back to the computer and stuff? (apparently being allowed anywhere near an electrical appliance = awesome in a kids mind) I didn't know how to answer. Kids have this desire for everything to be fair but for them to always get their way. How does that work. If you get your way that means somebody else didn't get theirs so it's not really fair because its not fair for that person. Right?

I was torn because, in a way, 'd' is special, not in a "i love her more..." sort of way but she comes from a very different place. She is only about 8 or 9 yrs old, her mother passed away a couple of years ago while in labor. That is only a small part of the story but for privacy sake that is all that matters for now. I remember sitting in church with my mom when I was little. She would let me sit on her lap or snuggled up close beside her and she would scratch my back. My mom scratched my back a lot...any time I was sad, sick, tired, or just asked she would gently let her fingers glide across my back and I felt so safe and just like the rest of the world melted away and everything sounded muffled. 'd' has no one to do that for her anymore.

Tonight, as I was folding laundry I came across a show that I have never watched and don't even know the name of (Sally Feild was in it) but it was on one of those touching grown-up daughter-Mother scenes where the Mother was reading the dedication on the inside of her daughters new book... it was to her- Mom who taught her how to be strong, how to fight etc... I welled up with emotion and all I could think was "God, I miss my Mom!" I don't get to walk into the kitchen and tell her what I think or ask if she wants to go do something... my kids never got a chance to meet the woman who gave me life and then taught me so much of how to and not to live it.

There are so many Sunday's when 'd' walks up to me and simply says "I miss my mommy" and I just put my arms around her and tell her that I miss my mommy to and then we sit together and I scratch her back.

A 'new' thought

I had an interesting experience the other day. Well, it was actually normal for most people but for me it was something I have never experienced before.

My husband, Matthew, was at work and I was home with the kids for the day. My youngest was down for a nap and my oldest was on his way to his. It was a laid-back day. I spent some time surfing the web, mainly looking at places to live in Arizona b/c lately I have really wanted to move there. Next I put my boy to bed came back down stairs and did nothing I wasn't really tired and there was not anything 'pressing' that had to be done but more than that I didn't feel like doing anything. That is the interesting thing. I have never felt like doing nothing and then proceed to do nothing. When my kids woke up they wanted to play together in the same crib for a few min. its a novelty they enjoy for some reason so I took the opportunity to lay down in the guest room so I could hear them but give them privacy. As I laid on the futon I prayed 'God pleas help me, I don't feel like doing anything!'. Then I had a though, a thought I have honestly never had before, "What if there's nothing wrong with that?". I don't know where it came from but it is very foreign to my natural way of thinking. I am a doer. I can always find things to do. I have just done nothing! I know what 'nothing' looks like, there are days my husband is a master at doing 'nothing'. Thats not a slam, there are times I envy his ability to just be and not do, but I never knew what that was like. 

There is actually an art form involved in doing nothing. If you do it all the time you are just lazy, if you do nothing but let your mind spend the whole time thinking about what you should be doing or need to do then you just wasted your time. I had spend the day feeling horrible about myself because I wasn't 'doing' anything and didn't want to, but as that thought entered my mind ("what if there's nothing wrong with doing nothing?") the guilt began drift away. It was a rather shocking moment for me to be honest. I only hope that the next time that feeling comes around I can embrace it and enjoy it and let it be useful. 

So here's your assignment, for the few that even read, do nothing and let it be useful.