I awoke early, it’s a Saturday morning following a late Friday night and I am less than thrilled. I could hear the beautiful voices of the birds, see the light from the sun pouring in, the chill still lingering on the morning air. From a place deep within I heard a voice call out ‘It would be lovely to sit on the porch with you, alone, before all others awake”. It was God, calling out to me, to be with me, for me to be with Him. I agreed, it would be beautiful… but I got back in bed and pulled the covers up higher and wished to fall back asleep. I did not.
Forty-five minutes later I gave up and walked into the kitchen for coffee. As I waited a thought, no a revelation, hit me…’Why am I avoiding God?’ I was dumbfounded. I did not pull the covers over my head because I was tired...though I was so very tired. I did it because I heard the voice of God calling out to me…and I was afraid.
For years I wondered at the response of God’s people, He calls them to the mountain so that he might speak to them. They agree, then upon seeing and hearing His glory and power they turn away in fear and beg Moses to go on their behalf and they promise Moses they will listen to what he tells them. And Moses…Moses has seen and heard the same as they but he is willing to go up the mountain with the dark cloud, the smoke, the roaring thundering and the flashes of light. I marveled at how they could turn down an invitation from God Himself choosing, willing, the voice of a plain man who claimed to be slow of speech. Yet there I was, not facing a thundering smoking mountain but dew kissed grass, birds, and the beautiful glow of the morning sun… and still I avoided his bid and slid down under the covers.
As I waited for my coffee, struck by this revelation, the reality of my heart exposed in a second, I repented, I apologized for turning my back to my Fathers invitation. Next, I asked the question ‘why’? Why had I avoided my God? The moment I asked I knew the answer. This season has been tough. I am still waiting on answers. Physically I never know if it is going to be a good day or a bad day. I am tired. This season has weighed on me with it’s realities and what-ifs. What struck me, yet again, was my unmistakable response of turning away from what I truly desired and know I need, choosing to run from the very thing I prayed for…His voice…His presence…His sweet call in the morning silence.I asked God to come…then avoided Him.
The next hour was spent with my coffee and journal on the porch in the beauty of the early morning. The only thing I heard from that place deep within were the words “write and remember”. I wonder what the Fathers desire was for me this morning if I had not hid under the covers. Did He wish to speak to me, was there something He wanted to show me, did He long to just comfort me… I do not know.
Yet, in His grace he has revealed my heart and in that moment my hearts desire was repenting, my heart desired change…to run towards Him and not away in my times of need. I desired to be willing to surrender myself fully, open and laid bare, allowing Him to separate what needs to be separated…willing to meet with Him whether He needs to call out my sin, heal a wound, or simply share His beautiful presence in the early morning.
Like a child who runs and hides too angry, afraid, or ashamed to seek out the embrace of their Father I find my feet run while my mouth cries out “Where are You?”. I beg, then avoid, and repeat. But this morning, by His grace, I repented desiring to not want to avoid Him.
Today, I took my coffee to the porch, and I wrote, so that I might remember.