Sunday, December 28

A 'new' thought

I had an interesting experience the other day. Well, it was actually normal for most people but for me it was something I have never experienced before.

My husband, Matthew, was at work and I was home with the kids for the day. My youngest was down for a nap and my oldest was on his way to his. It was a laid-back day. I spent some time surfing the web, mainly looking at places to live in Arizona b/c lately I have really wanted to move there. Next I put my boy to bed came back down stairs and did nothing I wasn't really tired and there was not anything 'pressing' that had to be done but more than that I didn't feel like doing anything. That is the interesting thing. I have never felt like doing nothing and then proceed to do nothing. When my kids woke up they wanted to play together in the same crib for a few min. its a novelty they enjoy for some reason so I took the opportunity to lay down in the guest room so I could hear them but give them privacy. As I laid on the futon I prayed 'God pleas help me, I don't feel like doing anything!'. Then I had a though, a thought I have honestly never had before, "What if there's nothing wrong with that?". I don't know where it came from but it is very foreign to my natural way of thinking. I am a doer. I can always find things to do. I have just done nothing! I know what 'nothing' looks like, there are days my husband is a master at doing 'nothing'. Thats not a slam, there are times I envy his ability to just be and not do, but I never knew what that was like. 

There is actually an art form involved in doing nothing. If you do it all the time you are just lazy, if you do nothing but let your mind spend the whole time thinking about what you should be doing or need to do then you just wasted your time. I had spend the day feeling horrible about myself because I wasn't 'doing' anything and didn't want to, but as that thought entered my mind ("what if there's nothing wrong with doing nothing?") the guilt began drift away. It was a rather shocking moment for me to be honest. I only hope that the next time that feeling comes around I can embrace it and enjoy it and let it be useful. 

So here's your assignment, for the few that even read, do nothing and let it be useful. 

Thursday, December 4

Honoring my Mother

Losing a parent is never easy. My mother passed away seven years ago today, December 4th, 2001. She was diagnosed in 1995 with Breast Cancer. At the time my parents were separated and my mom and us girls were living in government housing while she worked stocking shelves at a BigLots for literally $4.15 an hour. She took the job because it would allow her to see us off to school and be home right before us. She always thought of us. After she was diagnosed we moved back into our old house w/my dad. I don't really remember much of anything about that time except that I peeled a lot of carrots, so much so that my hands had an orange tint to them. They found out really quick that my mom was allergic to chemo. It made her so sick and didn't do anything to the she went all natural. The woman drank 64 oz of home made carrot juice a day. She said that God told her to do it. She mixed the carrots w/a small amount of onions and apples to help sweeten it up. I don't know how she drank that stuff but some days it was all she could keep down. Not to long after, to everyones surprise, she entered remission. The cancer was gone and life went back to normal. Well normal for us which was pretty dysfunctional. The dysfunctionality grew and soon my parents were divorced. After a few years both my sisters were married and out of the house and it was just me and mom. I was in the last few teenage years of my life. Our relationship was changing though. It was turning into the parent/friend stage. We had long talks, went out to eat a lot with each other, we spent a lot of time together. Of course thru part of this I "hated" her and didn't want her telling me what to do and we had our fights but for some reason our relationship was different. Once I hit 17 God started to do something w/in me. I started changing and I wasn't as angry or rebellious. Thats when our relationship really went deeper. We would stay up until 2 in the morning talking about God and studying the Bible together. We were a lot alike in our giftings and our personalities. Shortly after mom started to get sick again. the Dr.'s had many different idea' even swore it was emphysema  from when she smoked as a teen. Right off the bat I knew that it was cancer. I still have the journal entry i wrote in. I knew it was cancer and that this time she wouldn't make it. It wasn't a lack of faith or that I didn't believe in miracles. It was just something I knew. My mom knew it as well. We used to talk about it. I remember seeing her in the hospital and some of the people from the church were there and they were all talking about what it would be like when she was healed and walking around again. She told them that she knew God would heal her. After they left the room she would tell me that her 'healing' was coming in heaven. 
So on December 4th 2001 she received her healing and moved on from this world. 

Linda Lou Brinkman was an amazing, faithful woman of God. She was a model of character and compassion. She was a home-missionary to the homeless of Westminster, MD. She cared for them and treated them better than anyone they had ever encountered. I only wish I was able to have time with her. Time to learn from her, to ask her questions, parenting questions or faith questions. I truly miss her. Her greatest desire was to be closer to Jesus. And now she is spending eternity fulfilling that desire. I can only hope that in the end of my life I can look back and say that I was at least 1/2 the woman of God I consider my Mother to be. 

I love you mom, 
your daughter